Reader Submission: Help, I'm In The Booty Trap! How To Respond To A Booty Call?

I don't think we need to explain away what a booty call is but in case those in the back don't know (or luckily never had to experience one) it's exactly what it sounds like: a reach out for one particular thing - booty. Booty calls can be unnerving at best and may cause a person on the receiving end to begin to experience feelings of worthlessness due to their nature. 

While communication is always important in any romantic relationship, certain communication may be unhealthy, or even unwanted. Booty calls is a perfect example of both, depending upon the circumstances of course. 

Everyone I've ever met has experienced at least one booty call in their lifetime. Booty calls can come in the form of a phone call, a text, or an email. They can even come in the form of an invitation to spend time together such as on a date, albeit the invitee is usually not aware that the person who issued the invitation is only interested in said booty, and nothing more.

I've even heard tales of couples going on vacation together and having a wonderfully romantic time sharing the innermost desires, dreams and so on, only for one to realize... fuck me, literally...  that was only a booty call trip. While there are many reasons as to why a love partner may pull away, a booty call typically has a very common structure in itself.

Booty calls can suck for various reasons (unless, of course, you like being someone's proverbial side piece or last resort after the bars close.) It's even possible to unknowingly fall into the booty trap when someone you actually care a lot about decides to put you in that category. 

To determine if you're in a booty call situation, it's always best to look at the facts of the situation, including the texts you're receiving from the person.

Booty calls come in many forms but the most common are by way of phone call or a text exchange.

• An invitation for a date - usually on short-notice - resulting in physical intimacy with little to no follow-through so far as an actual relationship is concerned. 
• An invitation for a weekend getaway or vacation with the same result above.
• A late night email, call or text - typically after the bars are closed - or when the opportunity of impromptu intimacy seems unlikely due to the time of day (or night.)

Back in the day, I had a college boyfriend who I absolutely adored. Let's call him "Chad" for conversational sake. He was amazing on all possible levels, at least in my mind, and back then I would've climbed the highest mountain for him. He was handsome, smart, witty and charming. I remember sitting around on weekends and hoping he'd call just so we could spend some time together. 

And sure enough, each time he'd call and I'd get all showered and beautiful to go on a date with him, no actual real relationship ever transpired. In my case there was a marked difference between the number of actual dates we went on and the number of booty calls I ended up accepting. Additionally, there was a growing tally of gaslighting behaviors on his end as well.

I remember visiting him on one of those ill-fated evenings and sharing with him how I'd just gone to the movies with my girlfriends to see the latest flick. His response: "But I wanted to be the one to take you to see that movie because I'm in school for that exact job the movie is about and I wanted us to see that movie together!" 

I remember finding myself actually apologizing to him for not telling him in advance that I was going to the movies without him. I also recall agonizing over the fact that I had gone to see the film without him, and worrying that I had hurt his feelings in the process. If only I had known then how to spot a narcissist on the first date.

Hindsight is 20/20 though and in reality I was actually apologizing to a guy who was using me for booty call! I was completely (and looking back in hindsight, probably willingly) blind to his gaslighting. Gaslighting is no fun and gaslighting can be very difficult to spot. Gaslighting is when someone denies reality and in some cases, causes you to question your own sanity due to said gaslighting.

However, he knew exactly what to say to imply interest and it always seemed to be my fault that the relationship never really came to fruition. I was locked into his booty call fortress and strapped to his electronic tether. He called me when he wanted booty, and barely gave me the time of day otherwise. Now that I am in a healthy relationship I can look back and see my old boyfriend's booty call behavior, but it took a very long time for me to see the light. 

How does a booty call feel?

Receiving a booty call can bring up a number of emotions and feelings. Of course it may be different for everyone depending on the situation, but I'll share how it made me feel.

Elated - that he finally reached out.

Excited - that we were going to spend time together.

Frustrated - that he used his work hours as a chronic excuse not to actually spend quality time together and go on some real dates.

Hopeful - that maybe this time would make the difference and we'd finally form an exclusive relationship.

And after the booty call I would feel...

Hopeful - that maybe, finally, he'd call again in a few days for a real date.

Lonely - that he wasn't calling again, and slowly realizing I'd fallen for another booty call.

Sad - that my realization that the booty call was only that: another booty call.

During our booty call relationship, I'd find myself coming up with reasons to see him. I'd find myself reaching out to say hello. If he wasn't feeling well or was tired, I'd make him a nice card. I'd come up with excuses to see him such as asking him to help me study for exams. I had an endless list of reasons to spend time with him, and while he obliged it always felt as though I was the one initiating. This was because I was the one who was doing all of the initiating.

We would get together, usually on his schedule versus planning a nice date. He'd say and do all of the right things - up until after the physical romance bit - then he'd be ready to basically pretend I wasn't even there. 

Eventually I broke up with "Chad" because the fact that he never wanted anything beyond a booty call was distressing for me. I had real feelings for him, so the fact he wasn't interested in a relationship with me hurt my feelings. He was only interested in the physical aspect and being friendly, but no actual romantic relationship with me was on his mind. 

I realized that he wasn't into me as a relationship, so I decided to move on. Of course when I did, he bounced back to his version of trying (offering more booty call opportunities to me) but I had learned that this did not mean it was a healthy relationship. With that said, I ended up standing firm in my mind and decided to move forward to greener pastures. 

If you're stuck in a cycle of booty calls - or worse yet - a cycle of dates that you're always having to initiate that never lead to a real relationship, sometimes it helps to begin looking within yourself.

Asking yourself the right questions can help. Questions such as what do I truly desire in a relationship, do I feel respected in this relationship and also, am I making excuses for this person's bad behavior are some to consider. 

Have you ever had a booty call relationship? How do you respond?

Of course the situation can differ depending on the situation but in most cases not responding at all can actually be the best response possible.