Have A Laugh: What Men Are REALLY Thinking?

Repost from 2014

If you've ever been in a relationship with a man (or known a man) then this will make you laugh, cry (the good kind of tears) and if you're a man yourself, you'll definitely find that this resonates.

This was written by a male friend of mine but I added-in a few extra points from some of the guys I know. Enjoy...

From The Man's Point of View:

1. If you showed up for our date wearing a florescent orange jumpsuit and purple high top sneakers, we'd just think it was some kind of fashion statement. We really don't understand women's fashion as much as you'd like us to.

2. We hear your words when you talk to us. And, we really, really, really want to understand what you're saying. We really do.

3. We're a lot like your dog, which is why we like dogs so much. When you look at your dog, you know exactly how he feels. You can tell if he's happy or sad, hungry or scared, or if he's deep in doggie thought. We're just like him.

4. We really don't notice your "major zit," blemish or spot as much as you do. We may see it, but we really aren't that concerned about that 1/1000th of your body.

5. We do notice when you paint up your nails like the Sistine Chapel then encrust them with little jewels and dangly things. It both fascinates us as well as terrifies us.

6. We like it when you wear a pony tail. We also dig yoga pants.

7. Like squirrels and birds, we're fascinated and entranced by sparkly things. We especially like sparkling earrings that don't look like they're going to slice us up if we move in for a kiss.

8. When we take you out to eat and you only order a side salad as an entree, we aren't impressed and assume you're full of dieting willpower. We're wondering if something's wrong with the restaurant or if you have a crazy scary food allergy, and we assume we've done wrong by bringing you here.

9. We do notice your purse, but we don't notice your shoes (unless we have a foot fetish or unless you're in those purple high tops.) If it's a really big purse we think you're high maintenance because you don't travel light. 

10. When you wear expensive brands with obnoxiously large labels we always wonder if you're secretly a trust fund baby, if your side hustle is dealing drugs, and if you're going to expect us to furnish you with a lifestyle we can't afford.

11. We do secretly look at your hot friends. All. Of. Them. But that doesn't mean we're going to cheat on you. 

12. We do actually slightly...kind of encourage the flirting with other women when you're not around even though we say we don't, because we like the attention. It lets us know we've still got it going on. But you have nothing to worry about; if we were interested in someone else, we'd have asked them out already and broken up with you.

13. On the flip side, if there's a woman who we know really, really likes us, we avoid her like the plague because we don't want to hurt her feelings or end up in some uncomfortable conversation/situation. If you see us hanging around with a chick 99.999% of the time she won't be a threat to you. 

14. Most of us look at some kind of porn. For around 50% of us, it's some kink we really don't want to share with anyone, especially our girlfriend or wife. The fact we look at it has nothing to do with you and it isn't a reflection on our relationship, and sometimes we watch it just because we're just bored.

15. We think women get into relationships to try and help mold us into better men; to change us, and we men get into relationships hoping the woman won't start to change herself.

16. We like to cuddle and have romantic pillow talk, even with women we're not in love with.

17. The farther away you are, the more romantic I can be, especially if I am in another relationship or married because it's "safe." This is just one of a million reasons why dating us married or otherwise "spoken for" men is never a good idea.

18. While there's always an exception to every rule, if I already have a girlfriend, don't wait on me. Ending it with a girlfriend is way easier than ending it with a wife, especially if we don't have kids. If I have a girlfriend and I've not ended it with her to be able to freely date you, I'm probably not going to.

19. If I'm a single guy and I've not asked you out, I'm either not interested and never going to be, or I'm into other guys. 

20. About relationships: We men want to feel as intensely as you do, we really do. But if it's just not happening, we will bail. We're really bad about using you women for sex, booty calls and FWB so be careful.

21. For us, "guy time" is a chance to be the horrible monsters we don't want you to know we like to be around each other, so please let us go with our guy friends. We like to cut loose, watch sports in our boxers, burp and scratch ourselves. 

22. We are very logical thinkers. We won't do something unless it makes sense to us. We also hate change, and we like things to remain on an easy, even keel.

23. We sometimes actually get physically sick at the thought of the woman we love being with another guy. Please don't try to intentionally make us jealous just to gauge our reactions, no matter what the dating gurus say.

24. If you chase us, we will probably run out of instinct of being chased. If you stand still, we'll come forward.

25. We value our autonomy. Please don't steal it.

26. We usually don't deal with feelings unless we have to, so it's usually when something is going badly that we visit feelings. We feel intensely, we just compartmentalize feelings differently than women do which is why women think we don't feel the same ways but we really do. And sometimes intense feelings makes us feel out of control. Sating "we need to talk" is like an invitation to dissect and discuss our feelings which to us, is like an invitation to feel out of control, so we don't usually like to do that unless we have to.

27. It takes a lot of courage to ask you out, so if you're not interested please let us down easy.

28. If you text us "we need to talk," we silently panic. (See number 26.) 

29. We want you to think we have everything totally under control and going well. Please never shame us, especially in public.

30. We sometimes use physical intimacy to make up. And, we hope you won't start talking about whatever the fight was about when we're finished.

31. The lower your shoe is to the ground, the more it reminds us of our mom wearing slippers. This can be both a good and a bad thing.

32. If we break-up with you, don't think that showing up for "closure sex" will make us change our minds, although many of us are guilty of staying in the wrong relationship way too long because of the sex. 

33. We have eyeballs. We will look at other women. We'll look at you, your friends, the mail carrier, the coffee house barista, the woman who passes us on the sidewalk, and we'll imagine what it's like to see her naked. We'll probably never tell you about it and if you ask, we'll probably deny it to the end of time. It doesn't mean we love you any less. It just means we're men. 

34. Please don't scold us, especially in public, and especially if you think we were looking at another woman. We probably were, and it doesn't mean we care for you any less (see above.) Do you want a boyfriend or a pet human? 

I hope these brought you a laugh or few! xo