Anchor Your Communication - Techniques For Couples That Really Work

It always amazes me. Men pick a destination and they go effortlessly from point A to point B. Women, on the other hand, go from point A and everywhere under the sun 110 times and back...all in their head, ever before beginning the journey.

I see women literally allow their thoughts to govern their feelings and I see them allow their feelings to govern their thoughts just as often.

I once saw a funny video. A cat and a dog were napping together on a couch. The cat wakes up, looks around, then promptly bops the dog in the head (hard) waking him up. The caption read: "When your girlfriend dreams you were talking to another woman."

I thought this was pretty funny, because it is true! If a woman even has a fleeting thought that her guy is doing something wrong, she often becomes upset. Her reasons for becoming upset make perfect sense to HER, because once she experiences that thought, she begins to examine her feelings too, to check that thought for any validity. Unfortunately for her, feelings are not what yields validity. FACTS are what yields validity.

Men, on the other hand, have stable thoughts that arrive one after the other. Women have fleeting thoughts that arrive all at once.

Men and women both think, they just experience thinking in different ways.

Women are wired to experience multiple thoughts so they're excellent multi taskers. Men, on the other hand, can only successfully experience one action, or thought, at any given time.

Men will appear (and often are) by nature, far more grounded and balanced, as a result. Women must work harder to find balance due to the way they are wired.

Example:

MEN: Experience 1 thought or action at a time in rapid succession.
WOMEN: Experience multiple thoughts and multi-task simultaneously.

MEN: Experience 1 feeling or emotional response at a time, in succession.
WOMEN: Experience multiple feelings and emotions constantly, regardless of the activity.

MEN: Can experience and share feelings, however due to being compartmentalized, a request for sharing feelings is often viewed as an invitation to feel "out of control," because men only experience emotion when something is intense.

WOMEN: Can and do experience emotional responses with each and every activity, sight, sound, thought or tactile experience. Prefer to feel each feeling simultaneously, and at the same time. An invitation to share feelings is not needed with women, as they automatically explore and share emotional responses and feelings constantly without interruption.

If a woman is, for whatever reason, unable to share or express her feelings, she feels immediately unhappy and the feelings may feel like imploding. Men, on the other hand, experience the onset of emotions and are able to set them aside for visiting at a later time. It's all about compartmentalization.

While women feel that men are complicated, it's actually women whose brains are far more complex.

HOW TO EFFECTIVELY SHARE YOUR FEELINGS:

1. For important conversation, select a time and place that is appropriate, absent of any interruptions. Men oftentimes require total focus when discussing something important. Instead of saying "we need to talk," try asking him to carve out a few minutes after his day. 

Don't be offended if he asks "how much time do you need?" He isn't trying to be offensive or hurt you, he's trying to figure out the best time he's able to devote his attention to you. 

If you're asking a woman for a set time to talk, unless it's something extremely serious and unless her day barely gives her a moment to have her lunch, you don't usually need to "make an appointment" like some men appreciate as women are natural mental multitaskers. If it's an important subject, ask her to carve out some time just as you'd appreciate for yourself.

2. Be clear and concise. Women have a tendency to like to "talk things out" mentally as they're trying to verbally convey their point. They tend to visit multiple subjects before becoming able to get down to the point. State your feelings clearly, in as few words as possible. Then revisit the subject in more depth, using examples, and expand further. 

By contrast, men tend to get to the point pretty quickly - almost abruptly. When talking with a woman, communicate your thoughts but also your feelings. Sharing how your thoughts play into your feelings will help her understand why you're communicating and what your objectives are. 

3. It's all about presentation. "I'm feeling.....and this doesn't make me happy," is a lot better than saying, "When you're doing.....you don't realize how this makes me feel...." Or worse, to deliver critical insults. It's counterproductive and childish to place blame or shame. This goes for both men and women. If you give a criticism, unless it's conveyed properly it'll look (and feel) like sour grapes, chronic complaining, or baseless insults. 

4. Men want to know how to fix it. They're problem solving pros. If you give him a "cheat sheet" with what makes you happy, he'll thank you. Clearly and be concise, give him the info he needs. "It would make me very happy if..." The same can ring true for women. Let her know what makes you happy, and be clear and concise but make it a point to "have a conversation about it." 

Women tend to believe that if they mention something many times, then it'll hold more importance in a man's mind. The opposite is often true; if you say something to a man multiple times, it can become static noise in his mind. Say it once, carve out time to express whatever it is, and be clear. 

Try these techniques and watch your communication blossom. 

Cheers xo