What Is Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style?

I was inspired to create this article because I love several people who happen to have anxious-avoidant attachment style. 💖

Having this type of attachment style does not make someone a bad person; rather, it's my take that people who have this style of attachment are actually highly sensitive, intuitive, kindhearted souls.

Anxious-avoidant attachment style, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment style, is a psychological pattern that affects how individuals form and maintain relationships. Everyone has their own style of attachment and anxious-avoidant is just one of several attachment styles. Both men and women can have an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

People with this attachment style often struggle with intimacy and have difficulty trusting others. They may exhibit contradictory behaviors, vacillating between a desire for closeness and a fear of being too vulnerable.

Because anxious-avoidant attachment can make us feel vulnerable, navigating relationships can feel downright terrifying. Since the attachment style is an important aspect of how we relate to others, those who have an anxious-avoidant attachment style may find themselves feeling isolated and fear ending up alone. While having an anxious-avoidant attachment style can cause issues with regard to relationships in general, it does not make you a bad person. Rather, it's simply your attachment style. 

This attachment style typically develops in childhood due to inconsistent or neglectful caregiving. One's relationship with a primary caregiver, particularly their mother, may play a strong role in how attachment styles form. Individuals who experienced inconsistent responses to their needs may have learned to suppress their emotions and avoid relying on others for support.

If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, it's important to understand how it can impact your romantic relationships and learn strategies to cope with it.

But What is an Attachment Style, Anyway?

Attachment styles are deeply ingrained patterns of emotional connection and interaction that develop in early childhood and play a significant role in shaping our adult relationships. Everyone has an attachment style, regardless of who they are. These styles are not fixed, and understanding them can offer insights into our emotional responses and relationship dynamics, ultimately promoting personal growth and healthier connections with others.

The four main attachment styles are:

Secure Attachment: Individuals with a secure attachment style tend to have a strong sense of self-worth and are comfortable with both intimacy and independence. They find it easier to trust others, communicate openly, and maintain balanced relationships.

Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style often experience heightened concerns about their relationships. They may fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance from their partners, driven by a deep desire for closeness.

Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment: Individuals with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style highly value their independence and self-sufficiency. While they may appear emotionally distant, they often struggle with expressing their feelings and connecting on a deeper emotional level.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment: This attachment style is marked by a complex interplay of anxious and avoidant behaviors. Those with a fearful-avoidant style may yearn for close relationships but are often paralyzed by the fear of getting hurt, making it challenging to establish stable emotional connections.

Recognizing and understanding these attachment styles, both within ourselves and our partners, can be a compassionate and transformative step toward building stronger, more empathetic relationships that support personal growth and fulfillment.

Anxious-avoidant attachment, sometimes referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment as described above, is a complex emotional pattern closely linked to our fundamental need for connection.

This attachment style combines elements of both anxious-preoccupied and dismissive-avoidant styles. Individuals with anxious-avoidant attachment often yearn for closeness and intimacy but are simultaneously afraid of getting hurt or rejected.

This duality can lead to a push-pull dynamic in relationships, (more on this later) where they desire connection but struggle to fully embrace it. Understanding this attachment style is crucial for fostering empathy and support in relationships, as it offers insights into the delicate balance between the yearning for connection and the fear of vulnerability.

The Impact of Anxious-Avoidant Attachment on Romantic Relationships

While not always necessarily easy to spot, attachment styles can have an important impact on how we experience the important connections in our lives. Having an anxious-avoidant attachment style can create challenges in romantic relationships. Individuals with this attachment style often crave intimacy and closeness, but their fear of rejection and abandonment can lead to behaviors that push their partners away.

They may become overly clingy or possessive, seeking constant reassurance from their partners. At the same time, they may also distance themselves emotionally or physically, creating a push-pull dynamic in the relationship. The experience of pushing and pulling can oftentimes negatively impact your shared romantic connection, and create difficulty when it comes to striking a healthy energetic balance within your relationship.

This inconsistency in behavior can cause confusion and frustration for both partners. It can lead to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and a lack of trust, which can strain the relationship over time. Ongoing uncomfortable patterns can lead to feelings of increased relationship anxiety.

The push-pull dynamic in relationships is a common emotional dance where one person oscillates between the desire for intimacy (the "pull") and the fear of vulnerability or potential hurt (the "push.")

This dynamic is often associated with attachment styles like anxious-avoidant or fearful-avoidant, where individuals yearn for closeness but simultaneously erect emotional barriers to protect themselves from potential pain. It can create tension and confusion in relationships, as partners may struggle to understand the mixed signals and ever-changing emotional landscape.

Recognizing and addressing this push-pull dynamic with open communication and empathy is crucial for building healthier, more stable connections.

Tips for Dealing with Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style

If you have an anxious-avoidant attachment style, there are strategies you can employ to navigate your romantic relationships more effectively:

Self-awareness: Recognize your attachment style and how it may be influencing your behaviors and emotions in relationships. Understanding your patterns can help you make conscious choices and break negative cycles. Recognizing your own patterns is not always an easy task, but being proactive regarding your self-awareness can have a positive, lasting impact on your interpersonal relationships.

Communication: Open and honest communication is often the hidden key. Express your needs, fears, and insecurities to your partner in a calm and non-confrontational manner. This can foster understanding and create a safe space for both partners to share their feelings. Fostering feelings of safety within your relationship can have a profound impact on how you experience attachment.

Look into help: Consider seeking therapy to work through your attachment issues. A trained therapist can help you explore the root causes of your attachment style and provide guidance on developing healthier relationship patterns. If seeking traditional therapy is not an option, you may alternatively consider speaking with a member of your clergy who may be trained to assist in such matters.

Supporting a Partner with Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style

It is important to remember that sometimes anxious-avoidant attachment style comes as a result of being the victim of narcissistic abuse. Narcissistic abuse can be pernicious and insidious, not to mention deeply damaging. Narcissistic abuse can occur in families, interpersonal relationships such as with friends or coworkers, and even within romantic relationship dynamics.

If your romantic partner has an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you can offer support by:

Patience and understanding: Recognize that their behaviors and emotions may be influenced by their attachment style. Be patient and understanding, and avoid taking their actions personally. Remember, those who suffer with anxious-avoidant attachment styles may have unhealed trauma bonds. While it may feel difficult at times, patience and understanding toward your partner can foster deeper levels of closeness.

Create a secure environment: Foster a sense of safety and security in the relationship. Be consistent, reliable, and responsive to their needs. Reassure them of your commitment and avoid triggering their fears of abandonment. While it may be difficult to anticipate what triggers your partner, it's important to be dialed-in when it comes to your partner's feelings. Opening a healthy dialogue regarding what specifically may trigger your partner can empower you with a deeper level of understanding toward their needs.

Encourage seeking help: Suggest therapy as a way for your partner to work through their attachment issues. Offer to accompany them to sessions or provide emotional support throughout the process. Again, some prefer to speak with a clergy member or a trusted person who is trained to assist in such matters.

Meditation can be a transformative practice for individuals dealing with anxious-avoidant attachment styles, as well as their romantic partners. By regularly engaging in meditation, the person struggling with this attachment style can develop self-awareness and emotional regulation. This enables them to recognize and manage their push-pull tendencies, reducing the emotional turbulence in the relationship.

Additionally, meditation can help foster a sense of inner security and self-compassion, which can lead to more stable and fulfilling connections with their partner. For the partner, understanding and supporting the meditation process can create a more empathetic and harmonious relationship environment. Encouraging and participating in meditation practices together can promote mutual growth and strengthen the bond between both individuals.

Understanding the impact of anxious-avoidant attachment style on romantic relationships is crucial for fostering healthy and fulfilling partnerships. Remember, regardless of your own attachment style, you are not alone. If you happen to have the anxious-avoidant attachment style, you are among millions who also share your same type of attachment style. If you love someone who has the anxious-avoidant attachment style, you can empower yourself as well as your partner to foster healthy, fulfilling attachment. By recognizing your own attachment style or the style of your loved one, and implementing strategies to cope with it, as well as supporting your partner in their journey, you can navigate the challenges and build stronger, more secure connections.