Question Submitted: What if my Twin Flame is a Narcissist?

Disclaimer: This blog post and included video is not meant to insult anyone, nor is it directed toward anyone. Further, neither this article or video is intended to be used to accuse anyone of being a narcissist. 

I've actually received this question in multiple styles of phrasing. It's almost becoming tedious. Quite regularly I find myself reading something along the lines of, "What if my Twin Flame is a narcissist? My Twin Flame is behaving like a narcissist, what do I do? How do I know if my Twin Flame is actually a narcissist in disguise?" And, so on...

Let's face it: relationships can be tough.

But let's imagine for a moment that you realize that you've met your Twin Flame. Twin Flame is defined as one's proverbial "other half." Two energy expressions of the same soul incarnate in two separate human bodies; one divine male energy and the other, divine female energy. Then a journey to your union ensues, and in that process one may encounter some spiritual enlightenment, and possibly even ascension. Interesting stuff, no? Sounds great, right? Your perfect match. 

You know, back in the day I used to talk about my own journey and ramble on about how terrific the Twin Flame connection can be. I described my own path on so many different levels ranging from my situation with the person I describe as "my false aka counterfeit Twin Flame," which to me, was a journey in and of itself, to the process through which my Twin Flame and I ended up reaching our Twin Flame Union - and everything in between. 

Assuming you've read any of my writing, you probably already know (but I'll say it in case you don't) that my relationship is, by all accounts, a healthy one. I feel lucky, not to mention incredibly blessed to be in a relationship that is not only healthy, but mutually happy and fulfilling.

We all want the same thing: a happy relationship

To me, one's Twin Flame is your honey, your person, relationship partner, sweetheart, lover, companion, best friend, all the good things that describe a healthy, happy relationship. Regardless of the term you feel like using, they're your other half. (Of course, not to be confused with one's soulmate) but in my mind, Twin Flame is anything but toxic. 

We all want the same thing in life, at least in my mind we all do. We want a partner and a relationship that is happy and healthy. 

And then...

Then a few years ago, maybe around 2020 or so (it's difficult to pin an exact date) but there and about, I began seeing an increase in descriptions of one's Twin Flame (cool) but those descriptions began to become increasingly negative (yikes) which was, and still is, unnerving.

By negative, I mean as I'd scroll through the many answers on Quora and other places, and I'd happen across writing that made me think to myself, "For crying out loud, are you blind? You're in a trauma bonded narcissistic relationship!"

A few of these descriptions even caused me to think, "For crying out loud, you're a narcissist describing how you're hoovering and love bombing some poor sap you're idolizing and labeling your Twin Flame!?" 

To add insult to injury, some of those descriptions even detailed how their trauma bonds were being "activated" by their Twin Flame, or how they were activating the trauma bonds of their Twin Flame. 

In other words, people were literally describing - word for word - a toxic relationship on many levels. But they were prefacing that description with the words "Twin Flame." This made me feel confused and upset because to me, Twin Flame refers to your partner, your love, not something toxic. Yet some of what I was reading sounded toxic to me.

I also started to see how people were describing their and their Twin Flames' childhood traumas, incidents of abuse, treatment of and conversations with one another, being raised by narcissistic parents, patterns of victimhood, certain behaviors, certain views, magical thinking, idolization, patterns and cycles... and as I'm reading all this I'm of course thinking to myself, "Do you realize you're quite literally ticking ALL OF the boxes for what creates a narcissist?"

I mean, I can go online and read through what these self-styled Twin Flame experts and gurus are saying and they're literally describing themselves - or their Twin Flame - as narcissists.

Many of the people who say they're in Twin Flame relationships are describing what sounds to me like very toxic relationships. This of course made me sad.

I mean, I am by no means an expert on the subject of narcissism. But based on what I've learned, if I made a checklist of "what does a human being need to experience / do in life / be like in life to classify as a narcissist" every single box would be checked. Seriously. This made me realize that the folks who are doing the typing really probably don't realize they're describing themselves as narcissists, or in other cases describing their Twin Flame as being a narcissist. 

Now, don't get me wrong.

I do believe in meaningful relationships and connections. I do believe that each person has a romantic match partner. As the old saying goes, "there's a lid for every pot." I consider myself a spiritual person and yes, I absolutely believe in God. I believe relationships are meant to be - bashert, which means preordained by the hand of God.

Chabad says if a match is preordained by Divine decree, to what efforts must we take in that process? Who is the ultimate matchmaker, God or man? The Talmud for example says that before a person is born, A heavenly voice emerges and calls out 'this woman to this man.' But also, the Talmud says "a man and woman are paired to each other based on their merits."

So, which is it? 

Two answers are offered: One particular Talmud explains that the "first pairing" is by divine decree while the "second pairing" is based on a person's merits. Here is an article on the subject. The answer is that matchings are made in heaven and also on earth. I do believe that relationships happen for a reason. 

But what about unhealthy relationships? 

The above got me thinking, reflecting, searching for information. There can be more than one "right" answer to a question, and just because someone else's views don't please me, does not make that person, or their views, wrong. So, I do my best to learn with an open mind.

Like I said, I am by no means an expert on the subject of narcissism. I do not consider myself an expert on anything. I am however, a blogger (well, duh) and I am someone who tends to enjoy learning. After watching many videos created by Prof. Sam Vaknin, I'm pleased.

He describes how many self-styled empaths are quite possibly narcissistic. He describes the way if someone is trying to convince you that they're your Twin Flame, they're likely love bombing you. Therefore, I feel that the videos by Prof. Vaknin are worthy of watching. With that said, I am including a video here for your enjoyment. 

Does this mean that you or your Twin Flame is narcissistic?

No, of course not. I am by no means saying that anyone is narcissistic. I am not calling the self-styled Twin Flame gurus narcissistic either. I am saying that these videos are extremely informative. If some of the information helps you discover something about your situation and escape from an abusive relationship, then good. If you learn something, great. 



This article described exactly what I was feeling in 2022 when I started reading peoples descriptions of their twin flames. I even thought the same things you did, I. E. “These are toxic relationships” My twin I can see you (after I discovered twin flames upon the break up) really was not mean spirited nor was he controlling, with the exception of him, wanting me to work in his business with him (which ultimately broke us up).

I agree with the other persons comment, that there are some narcissistic tendencies and traits that can surface but I think some of these wounds are evident in many relationships where healing needs to occur. Even after all the years of spiritual healing and practice, I discovered there was more to heal. Hence forth, an intense journey began. I appreciate your writing, and again I agree that the twin flame label has been blown out of proportion and has taken on a whole new persona by itself with mini using it as an excuse to stay in a narcissistic relationship. Thank you for everything you do.💜🧘‍♀️💖

Connie Renna

I’ve been watching Professor Vaknin’s vids for years and, as the daughter of a malignant narcissist, I am very grateful to him. I had also been concerned that as my love “blueprint” had been formed in early childhood that my Twin Flame was a narcissist, but from what I’ve observed what they have is an anxious/avoidant attachment disorder, which they attest to, and this can mimic narcissistic traits at times. I am finding it increasingly difficult to not take the rejection personally, but, as typical with Twin Flames, my love for them is very strong and I hang in there. Thanks, Helena, for all you do!

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